What a funny saying that is—are we not real in our day-to-day? Why wouldn’t we want to be real, and want others to be real with us? What politeness and decorum, what fears and rules and other impediments are holding our authentic selves at bay? It’s hard to read each other’s expressions
behind a mask—whether literal or metaphorical. Life in general is a lot to take in; life in a pandemic doesn’t make it any easier. What I’m doing to stay sane is praying, every day. This won’t be true for all of you. The other thing I’m doing is journaling. This also won’t be true for all of you. So, why bother telling you? Because the goal of these exercises, for me, isn’t problem-solving or addressing humanity’s many shortfalls. I am trying to be present. These are habits that I cultivate to bring me back to the moment. What is happening today? What are my reasonable hopes for today? If I take this time to create this space, I find that I can:
• Stabilize emotionally and keep myself from
running in circles;
• Let go of issues beyond my control and
focus on the present;
• Better handle uncertainty and keep myself
out of other peoples’ conflicts and bad
moods;
• Recognize and let go of all the “shoulds” that
distract me from a response that honors my
values and experience; and
• Maybe even get a super good night’s sleep!
LET’S TALK ABOUT COPING SKILLS
So what I’ve shared here are some of my positive coping skills for whatever life is currently handing out. But what if you are noticing a “confluence” (haha, pun) of negative coping mechanisms? Can’t make it through a day without a latte, a brownie sundae, two glasses of wine, and several hours of mindless television? Feeling so wiped that you have zero energy left for your loved ones, let alone yourself? Does it make you hard on both? At what point do self-care, the space and time we invest in creating our best selves, becoming self-indulgence, and how can we make sure that the time we dedicate to self-care is both effective and guilt-free? I think if you look closely, what actually feels good looks quite different: cooking a healthy meal, getting a massage, listening to and learning from a TED talk or podcast, taking a weekend getaway or a long walk in the sunshine, catching up with an old friend, and skipping the booze for an early bedtime. This is not to say that those items will apply equally to everyone, only to highlight that what we think we need at the moment is not always what we actually need. What you are doing in your life that gets you through it, and which of those things actually provides clarity and peace of mind? A little bit of both is really okay, but only one of those categories is helpful and sustainable.
Let’s think out loud about what’s working, and what negative patterns we can identify that need some attention. Let’s be kind to ourselves where we fall short, and also recognize some substitutions that will serve us better for an overall balance that gets us closer to who and where we want to be.
