Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account
Ever wonder why some couples make it and others don’t? Dr. Gottman did, he then spent over 40 years studying thousands of couples to find out exactly what separates relationship masters from relationship disasters. Gottman compares love to an Emotional Bank Account. What’s an Emotional Bank Account? It represents the positive and negative balance in your relationship.
Successful couples maintain a high balance versus couples who struggle and are often in the red. Couples make deposits through positive interactions and withdrawals through negative ones. What does a deposit look like; it’s as simple as showing your partner that their emotions are valid and you care and support them. It’s an investment in the relationship. A withdrawal is simply rejecting or hurting your partner. Gottman’s research shows it takes five positive interactions to make up for one negative interaction.
It’s not about keeping score, but rather investing in your relationship and shared Emotional Bank Account. So let’s talk about how you can start making those deposits, start taking out fewer withdrawals, and really start investing in your relationship to build up your Emotional Bank Account. We want our Emotional Bank Account to represent the riches of love and respect you have for each other, and remember, you can’t put a price on that!
How to Make Deposits
- Catch your partner doing something good
- Give your partner a compliment
- Respond positively to your partner’s bids
- Do something nice for them
- Show genuine interest in your partner & their world
- Show your partner physical affection
- Spend quality time with them
In order to invest in your Emotional Bank Account it will require you and your partner to be intentional and aware in order to effectively implement five science-based methods;
- Be Mindful: Often times couples ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindfulness, not meanness. Couples need to be more mindful of one another’s bids for connections and turning toward one another in those moments. Doing so will create a feeling of being heard and valued to deepen the overall connection.
- Express Appreciation Every Day: Try and focus on all of the ways your partner turns towards you every day or has made an emotional bid., whether simple or more complex. The overall goal is to remember these positive deposits into the emotional bank account and openly express your appreciation. It is important to be grateful for your partner’s investments and to verbalize your appreciation.
- Talk About Stress: It is never good to let stress bottle up, we need to have stress-reducing conversations with our partner and devote 20-30 minutes of undivided attention with each other to healthily discuss our daily stressors. It is important to remember that emotions are welcome during these conversations and the overall goal is to express and understand of your partner’s feelings and perspectives while listening and validating them.
- Communicate Understanding: Remember that not every complaint from your partner is a problem you have to solve. It is important to express your understanding of their frustration and if it’s your fault they are feeling frustrated, to take responsibility for your actions. Also, the opposite, if your partner is excited about something then join in that excitement. The bottom line, we feel the most loved when we feel heard and understood, so the more we can do this with our partner, the more we build that reciprocal emotional connection.
- Be Physically Affectionate: When we hold hands, hug, cuddle, kiss, etc. we are making deposits into the Emotional Bank Account. Being physically affectionate and having intimacy with your partner allows you to bond with one another on many levels as it is a necessary component of a healthy relationship.
May the Force be with you,
Angelina Taylor, MSPsy
Marriage and Family Therapist
http://www.akconfluence.com/
907. 313.4433 Ext. 106
