Conflict is inevitable, but don’t let emotional flooding drown your relationship. Emotional flooding is a term used to describe feelings so intense that an individual cannot escape them, feelings that seem to take over in the blink of an eye, and feelings that create a false sense of “this is how I’m always going to feel.” Emotional flooding makes it difficult for a couple to resolve conflict realistically and can cause the couple to react rather than respond, often creating an even bigger conflict than originally faced with.
Dr. Gottman refers to emotional flooding as “diffused physiological arousal”. Diffuse: not just one particular response but diffused throughout many parts of ones body. Physiological: a physical phenomenon of the body. Arousal: making one ready for battle by stimulating the neurological system. Emotional flooding impacts how we view ourselves, our partner, and our environment. It causes us to remain in a heightened state and can make our relationships extremely difficult. When feeling emotionally flooded we catastrophize and experience distorted thoughts that cause us to misread our partners words and actions. Don’t let emotional flooding win, let’s learn how to brace for the impact.
How to brace for impact when emotional flooding hits
1. Pledge to Self-Soothe: When emotions take over it can be really tough to hold back, but it is important to take a step back and realize your perception is unreliable during flooding and remember: To avoid blaming or catastrophizing your partner or the situation.
2. Imagine your Partner at their Best: Imagine your partner during a moment or situation where you saw them at their best, i.e., loving, kind, attentive. Where you felt seen and loved by them and re-create as much detail as you can about that moment or situation. This will help your brain to view your partner in a more positive way.
3. Hit the Pause Button and Turn Inward: When feeling flooded it’s important to pause and turn inward by taking a deep breath and remembering this too shall pass.
4. Take a Self Time Out: You might be able to self-soothe in the moment or you may need to take a break from the interaction. Make a plan with your partner so that if either of you gets too flooded in an argument, you will take a self time-out, but agree to come back together to continue the discussion within a certain period of time.
Signs you might need your Floaties!
1. Your pulse may increase and your heart might beat faster and harder
2. It may become more difficult to breath as your breath moves into your upper chest and becomes more shallow
3. Your facial expressions might become more tightened and controlled
4. You may feel your tongue firmly pressed to the roof of your mouth
5. Your voice might change: i.e., pitch, loudness, timbre, speech rate, and pauses
6. Your body language might become more rigid
7. You may lack a sense of humor
8. You may bite the inside of your cheek or lip
9. Your may touch your face, lips, or hair often
10. You may avoid eye contact
11. You may become sympathetic or motivated by compassion
12. You may experience thinking errors
13. You may experience tunnel vision
14. Your fight, flight, freeze, or fawn might kick in
15. You may experience a lack of problem-solving ability
May the Force be with you,
Angelina Taylor, MSPsy
Marriage and Family Therapist
http://www.akconfluence.com/
907. 313.4433 Ext. 106
