But are we actually surprised? I think when we look at ourselves just on a regular day, we make some pretty solid contributions to the effed-up-ness of the world. I know I didn’t feed a starving child or plant a tree today or even put forth a simple gesture like saying good morning to my dearest friend. Instead, I spent a useless 10 minutes waiting for tea water to boil (because it boils slower when you’re waiting for it of course). I don’t usually get mornings to myself, so maybe spending those quiet moments solving the world’s problems wasn’t the first thing on my mind. But at least in hindsight, managing how I think about the world’s problems was perhaps thing number two.If we’re being realistic, the world is sometimes totally effed up all around, and often partially effed up with regard to relationships, situations, or issues. Our perceptions take over from there and influence our thinking in all sorts of ways that don’t serve us. When that happens, it’s what’s called in fancy psychology terminology: a thinking error. Thinking error happens when our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs influence more concrete observations and alter our perception. Consider a few common examples:
Thinking Error Examples:
All or Nothing – “If I can’t do it all, then I won’t do any of it.”
Overgeneralizing – “All [category of humans] are [derogatory adjective].”
Filtering out the Positive – “The whole world and everyone in it just sucks.”
When people are grieving, they often get angry at the universe. That anger can lead to irrational, emotionally driven decisions even while the concrete reality is in fact much more neutral than that which is perceived.In the same way, a crappy morning often turns itself into a really sucky day. Why? Because we aren’t machines. Because we aren’t born with a reset button or a defragment tool, and we can’t always unplug, wait 60 seconds, and expect renewed focus and drive. With very few exceptions, some positive aspects of an otherwise unfortunate circumstance are worth considering. We can always be constructive in our individual responses. When we feel ourselves in a downward spiral – and this will take some discipline and some practice – let’s be sure and leave a little room for something different.
I am NOT suggesting that we pretend rainbows and unicorns, forget those who are suffering, and scroll on by hatred, addiction, privilege, violence, and just plain awfulness. I’m just saying, don’t get stuck. Don’t focus solely on negative things, because it creates a pattern in which we feel worse than we should (super lame) and less powerful in our own abilities to make changes. It’s hard to speak to every situation, but no matter who you are, consider that some kids – maybe not the ones you’re currently cajoling through a CANVAS exercise – are trying hard to learn in spite of impossible circumstances. Somewhere out there is a dad who now knows his child better because they are stuck at home together. I bet a lot of people have grown in some meaningful way because they’ve cleaned their house one too many times and finally decided to pick up a self-help book, hopefully, one that was actually helpful. Or maybe someone cleaned their house for the very first time in years. Physically organizing your things and clearingyour space of clutter can help with intrinsic motivation and prioritization. Either way, it’s something to acknowledge and celebrate.
Holy crap! This is totally effed up! Aaaaahhhhhh!!!
Whoa, now. Deep breath. Getting through this will help you get through that.
- Get some clarity on the details and your role in it. What is your information source, and is it trustworthy? What are your
uncertainties, your hopes, and your fears? - Identify at least two different ways of interpreting the situation. What else do you think might have happened? How might this
same situation reasonably be interpreted by someone else?) - Consider four things you can do (or avoid doing). How can you open lines of communication, or take one small step in a
positive direction, even if that first small step is actively promoting self-care instead of actively tackling the problem? Would it
be helpful to take a walk, or write down your feelings, or make a list of potential actions and the pros/cons of each? - Talk your solutions over with at least one RATIONAL friend or mentor, preferably someone who is not involved in the situation
or biased toward a specific outcome. - Decide on a plan of action, and execute it. Deciding to take no action at this point is still a totally legit option. What you decide
is best for you may not match what the world thinks you should do, or what someone else thinks you should do, and that is
very okay. We have to pick our own battles, or we’ll lose them all, and lose ourselves in the process.
The bad stuff is not going to go away. If we expect it to, we’ll only be disappointed. By making space to consider the things that are thriving in spite of our circumstances, we correct that Worst-Ever, End-of-The-World thinking error and modify our attitudes. So maybe tomorrow will suck; I can’t say that it won’t. But now doesn’t always have to be all terrible. Maybe instead of being mostly awful, it can be a little bit good.
